The end of June means that I have made it another year of being asked, “You’re that guy that writes those little articles for the paper, aren’t you?”Mark
Gores

I always thought they were a decent size, but I guess that is in the eye of the beholder. Besides, it’s not the size of the article that matters, it’s how you use it, right? Well apparently I don’t use them that well, either, because nine times out of 10 after admitting that I do write the little articles, the inquisitor responds, “Oh” and the conversation is immediately dead.

So, yes, I write little articles that don’t really hit the spot for most people. But I just finished year three of having a little article, and I can proudly say I am a much better typist than when I started; so I’ve got that going for me.

What I don’t have going for me is anything of relevance to write about this week. A former English teacher taught me to just keep my pencil moving whenever I came across a writer’s block and write every thought as it comes in my head and sort it out later. That’s pretty much what we’ve got going on this week, except I don’t plan on sorting it out later.

My wife caught me watching gymnastics again the other night. That was awkward. I wonder if there is a support group. At least this time it was women’s gymnastics. Now that I think about it, I don’t know if that is better or worse than men’s gymnastics. I just really can’t help myself when it comes to high-definition programming. We both had a day off the other day, and I found myself mesmerized by something called “The View” for the mere sake of the definition being higher than average (not to mention my non-sexual crush on Whoopi Goldberg).

On the plus side, I am an expert on anything from the National Geographic or History channels now. If you ever need to know how to do some logging in the Pacific Northwest, I can show you how. I can also tell you the background of every gang that has ever existed or tell you how and why beavers make dams because, quite frankly, you just never know when you need to know how to make a beaver dam. “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” here I come.

I saw a YouTube video montage of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” contestants losing on the first question recently. It was yet another sign that Nostradamus was right, the world is ending right before our eyes. If our great citizens think surge protectors are to stop water flow, then we have some issues.

Speaking of issues, how about the lady who’s suing Victoria’s Secret because she poked her eye out with her thong? I know you’re all thinking the same thing. When is the government going to intervene and start passing those critical panty safety reform laws? I’m thinking, how did this woman come up with thong accessory flinging as a way to take advantage of a big corporation? Furthermore, how did she ever figure out the physics behind thong accessory shooting? She should be on stupid pet tricks or out fighting crime by shooting her thong bits with pinpoint accuracy.

I’d better start wrapping this up so it doesn’t turn into a medium-sized article. Thanks to everyone who continues to put up with me and for the scattered compliments. I’m not sure how many of these little articles I have left in me, but it helps to know that some are still being read.

 Mark Gores, a 27-year-old realtor, lives in Prior Lake with his wife, Emily. To comment on this column, call the editor at (952) 345-6378 or e-mail markgores@yahoo.com or editor@plamerican.com.