By Mark Gores 

Father’s Day is upon us again, and it is a great time to be in the necktie and cologne business.Mark
Gores

Today’s Father’s Day gifts may have more of a tech gadget theme than the cliché tie or cologne, but the people who keep track of these things tell me that more than 100 million neckties will be gifted this Father’s Day in America.

The people who count these things didn’t tell me how many total dads will be receiving gifts, but I would wager that there are a few out there who will have to fake the necktie appreciation more than once this year.

I always have a tough time deciding what to get my dad on Father’s Day. They say tech gadgets are in this year, but technology and my dad still aren’t on the same page. So basically anything with a button gets ruled out. I’m not even sure I can get him one of those greeting cards that play music when you open it.

Shirts seem to be a popular gift every year as well. My dad is very picky when it comes to his shirt, though. That’s right, I said shirt, not shirts. For as long as I can remember, my father has subscribed to the “if it ain’t pheasant-laden, it’s crap” rule of shirts. In fact, I don’t think his grandchildren would recognize him if he wasn’t wearing his shirt of many pheasants.

So when it comes down to it, if my dad doesn’t lose his fourth gifted watch in as many years by Sunday, not only will I lose a bet, but I also will be hard-pressed to find an appropriate gift. If I were to ask my dad what he wants for Father’s Day, he would undoubtedly say, “Nothing.” If he were being honest, he would say “20 extra yards on my drives, a son who can shoot the broad side of a barn, and hair.” Unfortunately, I am in no position to spare driver distance or hair. And my love of hunting flew out the window a few minutes after my dad woke me up at 5 a.m. when I was 10 years old and dragged me out to a frozen pond so that we could break ice and clear it out of the way on the off chance there would be a duck dumb enough to still be heading south and needing a place to take a bath.

Oddly enough, said duck never came around that day. My dad taught me early on that if something is not fun, then don’t do it. This lesson backfired on him that day.

Without any other ideas, I am forced to imagine what I would want if I were a father. I think I, too, would say “nothing.” If I could wake up every day and know that my children will try to make good decisions, that’s all I could ask for, and that’s what I try to give both my parents several days out of the year. In addition to that, I would want one day without plans or expectations, and I could have peace and quiet in my skivees and/or pheasant shirt to sit and do nothing. If I can’t have that, I would at least want my son to write a column so I can clip it out and frame it with a sign that says, “It’s Father’s Day and all I got was this crappy column that makes fun of me.”

Happy Father’s Day!

 Mark Gores, a 27-year-old realtor, lives in Prior Lake with his wife, Emily. To comment on this column, call the editor at (952) 345-6378 or e-mail markgores@yahoo.com or editor@plamerican.com.