Scientists in California recently announced that they have successfully cloaked a three-dimensional object and are one giant leap closer to being able to make people and larger objects invisible by covering it with what is called metamaterial Mark
Gores(www.dailytech.com).

For those of you saying “What am I, a chemist?” I’ll break it down for you; you put a blanket on you and then people don’t see you. From what I understand, it’s kind of like peek-a-boo on steroids and an instant geek-gasm for hardcore Harry Potter enthusiasts around the world.

I have to say I did not see this coming (only because I can’t overlook a slam-dunk pun).

Apparently the research is being funded in part by the U.S. military and high school boys across America who are fed up with being caught trying to sneak in the girls’ locker room. The applications for the military are quite obvious: invisible troops, invisible tanks (assuming they come out with an inaudible cloak first), and justification for the war du jour by explaining that the WMDs really are there, but they are cloaked.

It is speculated that this technology may never make it to the general public and we will be relegated to the barbeque sauce cloak for the rest of time. I personally can’t see it in the general public’s hands either (solo rim shot heard in the distance), but with space travel now becoming a reality for John Q. Rich, who’s to say that this stuff won’t one day be widely available in the dollar store with poorly translated Chinese packaging? In any event, just like I plan what I’d do if I won the lottery, it’s still fun to think how the invisible cloak could change our lives.

Finally, dogs wouldn’t have to take the blame for flatulence. You could say there must be an invisible person in the room. It would work as long as you stick with it. Every time you let one slip out, just say, “Ok, ok. That’s enough. Quit farting, we know you’re here just take off your cloak. It’s Gary isn’t it? Gary, you old jokester. Hey, Hon, I think it’s Gary!”

On the other hand, you could actually be Gary and walk around like a human invisible whoopee cushion, if you’re in to that sort of thing, that is.

I am excited for the implications this could have on Halloween. It might get old after awhile, but I’m thinking I would cloak everything but one arm and go around asking for candy. As Adam Sandler would say, “I’m a crazy arm! Look at me; I don’t have a body attached to me. Now give me some candy!” If you wanted to be really clever, you could go as a ghost with a sheet on your head but make your legs invisible to get the full effect and really scare the crap out of 5-year-olds.

I imagine the invisible cloak would change the landscape of surprise parties as well. The surprisers would be able to hang out in the home undetected for a much longer time and wait for the surprise to get real comfortable in their surroundings and starts singing the theme song to “The Facts of Life” before the congregation yells surprise.

“Well, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then…”

“Surprise!”

“What the..!”

Of course invisibility would have its downside, too. Those speed traps would get annoying real quick if you couldn’t even see the squad cars anymore. And the divorce rate may climb due to conversations involving, “It’s not funny anymore! Where did you cloak my keys?”

I would wager that despite inevitable protests from high school boys and the geek-gasm-enraged sorcerers that the government keeps a tight lid on this technology. The harm that could be caused from the wrong person’s hands getting on an invisible cloak far outweighs the hilarity of potential practical jokes.  No one knows for sure what the future may hold for invisible cloaking. One thing is certain, though, and that is that I definitely couldn’t see myself wearing one.

 Mark Gores, a 27-year-old realtor, lives in Prior Lake with his wife, Emily. To comment on this column, call the editor at (952) 345-6378 or e-mail markgores@yahoo.com or editor@plamerican.com.